Mama S here. Recently we were officially asked if we are an adoptive resource. This wasn’t shocking to us or even a surprise at all. The circumstances around our little lady were heading to adoption and we knew that it was a matter of time before we were asked that question. We figured we would have more time to think about it and decide. We should have known the official ask would happen the day it did.
You see, we have spent a great deal of time chatting with P’s biological family, both on her mom’s and dad’s side. There have been a handful of relatives that have come forward as consideration for taking placement. There is still one relative that is being assessed, so there is still the possibility of her leaving our home. We are not sure how to feel. On one hand, there is healing in family. There is something that they can give that we never will be able to. On the other hand, there are circumstances at play that everyone is aware of and everyone (even the relative) has admitted that P has a higher likelihood of success in future years if she continues to live with us.
You see, we have created a home environment that is focused on P’s success. We have notes written on every erasable surface with reminders and prompts to help her be successful. We have rules that make our lives harder, but set her up to have better experiences later in life. We have boundaries that are firm and outlined that help her feel safe. We have been the home that she has known for the past year and that she has grown into and felt the most security in her young life. Also, she has challenges around attachment which means that no matter where she moves, if she moves, there will be even larger challenges for her moving forward.
Everyone on her case knows that she is doing the best that she has done with us and it is undeniable that if she was placed in a different home that she would have been moved at least 4 more times this past year. We talked with a worker and she couldn’t express how impressed she was in all that we have been able to put into place over the past year to help our whole family feel secure in the placement. We chat about the positives, but also the struggles. Every month we learn more about our little and how her first few years on this earth have impacted her and what that means for her for the next 80.
Yet we are in a state of limbo. This is the hardest part of being a foster parent and foster kiddo. The not knowing. We have been in a state of limbo on whether she would be moving in with a different relative since before Thanksgiving. We are tired. Having 8 months of maybe she will live with you, maybe she won’t is exhausting. Then we have to chat with the relative and give them the full picture of what living with P is like as well as the numerous ways that we have modified our lives to help her be successful and then hear that she is best living with us. It makes our hearts race and our stomachs drop.
For all the challenges we face. For all the times we have to walk in the other room to pull ourselves back together. For all the tears we cry. We couldn’t love her more and the thought that she will be moved to someone other than us tugs at us a way that is hard to explain. On one hand, we would love her to live with family, on the other we would love her to stay with us. Those conflicting feelings tear at you more than anyone could possibly ever understand.
In the early parts of the placement we put our hearts and souls into P going back to live with her biological mom. We were 10,000% on board with reunification. We would have loved to transition our little to go live back with her mom. After having a wonderfully deep and emotional conversation with her mom, we all realized that it was in P’s best interest to stay with Mama A and I and to maintain contact with her mom. That was best for all parties. We love her mom as much as you can love any person and we are thankful for the relationship we have. We are all on board with maintaining that relationship for P.
Over the past 8 months we have met numerous members of P’s family. We have enjoyed getting to know all of them and truly look forward to maintaining connections with everyone we have connected with, regardless of where P ends of living.
So we were sitting in a room with 2 social workers, 2 therapists, and Mama A and I. All eyes trained on us when the question came. Officially, are you an adoptive resource? If this other relative decides that P is better off living with us and maintaining a familial relationship with them, are we willing to adopt. Anyone I speak with is amazed at any amount of hesitation. “Of course the answer is yes!” they say. “Obviously you will adopt” others say. There is more to it than that.
Now, before you get up in arms, we said that we would like to wait to see what happens with the relative before we jump 1,000% in but, yes, we are open to the possibility of adopting. We don’t want to go down the path of thinking we will adopt and then have to suffer mental anguish of having to say good bye. Please keep all involved in your thoughts and prayers because everyone involved has big decisions to make that are not easy at all. It is hard to put aside what you want for yourself and look at what is best for P and make that decision. We just hope to have a clear path in the next few weeks.
We know that all foster/adoptive kiddo stories are different and want to remind you that our story is just one of many. If you know foster parents, please do not assume that their story is even a little a like ours. Please be respectful of their path and understand that everyone is just doing the best they can in extremely difficult situations.
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